2014

“To be fully alive, fully awake, and fully human… One must continually be thrown out of the nest” -Pema Chodron

 

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2014,

I’m getting ready to say goodbye to you. I’ve been thinking for a few days about what to say, how to say it.

My first thoughts are that you were so damned difficult.   You broke my heart, messed up my mojo, and turned my life upside down.

Second thought: YOU….did none of that.

It was me that did it to myself.  On my own accord,  I left my job of 14 years.  I left my safe, familiar, secure, and predictable life as a nurse in the Emergency Department in a Level 1 Trauma Center.

I loved working in Emergency Medicine with all my heart.  I love being the calm in the storm.  I loved being steady in chaos. I loved helping humans in crises. I loved the variety.  I loved the challenge. I loved the teamwork, I loved the camaraderie.  I had found my niche, and my personal ‘style’.   My intuitive knowing was strong.  I was a fierce patient advocate with a strong voice.    In many ways, I felt I was an expert in my field.

I had seen burn out happen to many of my peers throughout my years. Confidently, I had always sworn that I would leave “immediately” when it began to happen to me.  Ah, it was so, so easy to sit on one side of the fence and prophesize.

The beginning of The End for me began the night I was at work and one of my friends-who-are-family, presented to ‘my’ trauma room with aortic dissection.. He was gone when he arrived.  I’ve witnessed this hundreds of times in my career…it’s different when  you love the patient and that individual is an integral part of your day to day life.    My worlds collided that night; the implications of that loss carry-on into today.

Stress evolved into Compromise creating Resentment which morphed into Ego and birthed Antagonism.  A lot of  abstract words that describe my descent precisely.

All of it turned me into somebody that I totally did not love or respect.  Imagine thinking, feeling, believing in oneself, and one day, realizing a big chunk of what you thought about yourself…wasn’t true?

It took me a couple of years to even recognize that I was officially in the Burn Out Corral.  Two years.  In that time, my confusion, my distress and my struggle was inherently spewed onto my colleagues.   I’d like to think ‘not continuously’…but I think it’s safest to assume it so.

2014, you taught me Humility.

I was hurt and deeply surprised at those that, turned out, really didn’t like me very much.    I love them, they didn’t love me.

Most of those individuals, were victims of the whirling dervish that was my descent into burn out.  My confusion and pain had spewed onto them.  I have had the pleasure of being associated with brilliance throughout my life and these folks weren’t gonna keep their hand on a burning arrow.  No Way.   That is precisely what I had become and I must be fully accountable.  I love many people that do not reciprocate that Love.   Hate is a very heavy weight, I pray their hearts can soften as Hate has a subtle way of eating an individual alive

2014, you brought me Courage.

It took me a few months to fully realize that I had actually left the ER.   This was followed by a few more months of a deep, deep, loss of identity.   Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce: My Ego

Yes,  I loved being a Savior. There it is.  My Ego Loves Being A Savior.  I loved introducing myself as “An Emergency Room Nurse”, and just letting that hang in the air…Boom.  That made me Important, it garnered me Affection, Friendship, Camaraderie and Love.   Writing these words nauseates me.

2014, you taught me a little more about Love.

You revealed to me the people who truly DO care about me – those that would love me if I worked at McDonald’s.   I continue to be humbled by their ever lasting, non-judgmental Love. When I focus on my blessings, these individuals are at the top, the middle and the end of my list.  They are those that I think of daily with deep gratitude for having the fortitude and courage to accept me as less than perfect.   Further, you’ve brought to me new, fresh faces full of Love – I can see them clearly.

2014, you taught me Compassion for myself.

This has been the hardest and I will need more help with this in years to come.  However, I fully realize that if I can not be compassionate with my Self first and foremost…..any “compassion” I hand out to others…..is really just that Savior Ego Candy Crap that’s designed to make you love me…..Crack.  Emotional Crack.   I want to ditch that schtick….so, Self Compassion it is.   Warning:  It’s a really tough trick to master…but, I’m catching glimpses of it.

2014, you gave me Yoga, Spirit and Meditation.

No words.  Only Gratitude and Devotion.

2014, you gave me the opportunity to Wake Up to My Self.

All  methods of self-medicating  have miraculously left my physical temple.    Habits of clean eating and exercise prevail.  The respect for my body exceeds anything I’ve ever been able to achieve before.

2014, you have been filled with personal suffering.

There has been a great and soulful Destruction  There is a subsequent tender and loving Reconstruction.   Yes, there has been deep Loss with a subtle, but profound Gain.

2014,

With all my heart and soul,

I Thank you.

Rear View Mirror

Time has a way of erasing Pain and Bitterness.  In the end, all that will matter is Love.

I started looking at you through the Rear View Mirror awhile  ago.

Actually, I couldn’t see very well because my eyes were glassy and nearly always filled with tears.    I knew that I needed to leave you.   For me, knowing it was “Time”  always came with the realization that I simply could not come up with one good reason to stay.

Leaving….. became the only thing to do.    I had tried everything else in my J.O. repertoire – Nothing stuck.

I often don’t get things at first light.    It took me awhile to realize this.   While I’m laying down The Ugly,…I may as well tell you this:   Had you begged me to stay,  I woulda stayed.

You didn’t  beg me to stay.  You were just as Sad as I was… that it was over.   Which meant:

It.  Was. Over.   Over and Out.

I already feel sorry about any bloody negativity that I threw into the mix with us….you and me.   Honestly, given the depth of my love for you….. I would have imagined My Exit to have had dragging, kicking,  and screaming involved in it.     I think I loved – love – you that much.

I miss you.    I am blessedly grateful to not be with you.

I read the news today.   About the girl who suddenly, and tragically: Died.    Her smiling face is all over my Facebook page, on my kitchen table and my indulgent TV news watching.

Except Today:

Today, I do not posses the cerebral and psychic  information of what color her underwear was… what jewelry she was wearing……how loudly her mother/brother/sister screamed…or what her last sounds were after she collapsed from a pulmonary embolism in front of her friends and family.   I am eternally grateful that I wasn’t with You that day.    You had exactly the perfect nurse warriors fighting for you that day.

I am on the Outside of you now.

Perspective and Hindsight have been paying me regular visits!   Each time I am gifted with their presence, I get a little lighter, get a little happier inside and I feel a little more free.   Forward visions are very bright, joyous….. filled with color.    I have definite, plausible,  palpable…..moments of excitement.

My Soul grew.

All that Artist’s Way,  Namastin’, Keroauc-dreaming finally took a hold…..and asked me to Take A Leap.   I really started something when I started praying and meditating.    In utter bluntology:   I needed to make this God thing….my Own.    Heck, I’d been shopping in the God mall for nearly 30 odd years.   I love love love browsing around in the meta physical…. However, I had commitment issues – and never could seem to find the time to stay maintain a spiritual practice.   I started dubbin’ around about 5 years ago   (curiously, on the heels of another lost love)   and haven’t stopped.

I laugh now,  at the memory of a day with You    I was telling a co-worker that I was checking out Chanting.   How she and I  chuckled as I gave an imitation of me….chanting.    Better watch where you put your energy, huh?     The chanting didn’t stick, however those days of spiritual experimentation ultimately lead to me leaving….. You.

The more time and energy I gave to Me……. being alone,  sitting alone, writing, painting, reading, staring at the flippin wall,  the ceiling, the  floor or window…  the more I grew to really love being with Me.

All of it added up.   It has me realizing that I want to be with my Tribe.  I want to be surrounded by enthusiastic, active, artistic, creative and vibrant people who celebrate Life and Love.   I want to rejoice in the incredible redness of a tomato, the blue sky, the snow, and the sun.   I want to delight in the softness of a baby’s skin; the beauty of an old woman’s wrinkles.  I want to take that Delight and  scream it from the mountaintops – reminding people that all those things exist – especially for those days when there is no sunlight in their lives.

I want to spend the rest of my days in Service.   I will always Serve.   Always.   That is my nature, that is my purpose for Everything.   Service.    I paint to honor Beauty.   I offer these very words to serve those that lack them.    I will continue to access my truth,  and speak it…..for those that can not.

I could not do that when I was with you.   I outgrew you.   The more certain I became in my convictions, the more I knew that we were coming to the end.

I have no bitterness towards you.   I have overwhelming love sometimes that currently is masquerading as Sadness -in missing you.    I have amazing glimpses of future that present themselves to me on a daily basis…..gently and lovingly pull me away from you.

The mask of Sadness fades away..  I am certain, he will return from time to time.    Time will be the very entity that will deliver the message:   Creativity  will pull me forward.

We had a great run baby, you and me.  I can still smell your distinctive scent, hear your voice, see ‘that look’……oh, you pull at my heartstrings.

I smile and shake my head slowly back and forth.   Oh, my beautiful, wonderful you.

Turning,  I Keep my eyes on the road, and my hands upon the wheel.

Forward.

 

Leap of Faith

It’s been three weeks since I popped the cork,  took a leap, looked at the woman-in-the-mirror, and made The change.

Week One found me firmly ensconced in Self-Care  as I began my recovery from the end of my Career in Emergency Medicine.  I was trolling Maslow’s bottom tier.  Back and forth, back and forth – am I eating enough, sleeping enough, drinking enough water?   Self care was the order of the minute, the day, and the hour for that entire first week.

Week Two found me traveling.  One of the creative ways I generate income is by renting out my funky little  home to funky little travelers.   At some point, I thought it would be a great idea to rent my house out for a week….the week after I ended my career.    Um, this was not one of my smarter ideas.   I spent the week uprooted.  Uprooted and Unemployed.  This rattled my spiritual cage.

While I pride myself in being adaptable and flexible, NOT having a home base during this time forced me to see just how much spiritual security existed within myself.    Turns out, I need a little work in this area as I am still very attached to my own bed, and my clawfoot tub – yes, even in the summer.   However, I would never had fully realized this, until I experienced this.  Lesson Learned.

Week Three :I’m back home now.    The emotional haze of leaving is beginning to lift.  Hindsight has arrived and is offering me glimpses of reality.  Some of it, isn’t very pretty.

For example, as empowered as I appear to be,  I see that I am firmly rowing the Victim Boat.

Very rarely do people leave relationships if “all is well”.   Our work relationships are no different.  Surely, no one would blame me for walking away after 15 years of performing loving care in a deeply intense environment.  The question is,  Could I walk away?   It was a relationship that I loved very much.

However, it no longer loved me back in the manner that I needed it to.     That is the Empowered Me – knowing that a relationship was toxic and needed to be shifted.  It’s taken years to listen to my empowered self – to trust her, to know she speaks the truth and to respond to her.   I heard that girl, loud and clear.  I had to institute a change.

Knowing a spiritual truth and acting on it, were two vastly different animals.   I struggled to articulate the nature of the toxicity.     For some reason, I need a specific, concrete, tangible REASON for instituting all this change.   Socially….Spiritual Truth, didn’t seem like enough reason to leave.

I made myself a Victim.   Ugh.   Somehow, I took circumstances A, B and C….and used them to justify my (perfectly legitimate) desire to leave…and made myself a flippin Victim.   For whatever reason, I could not just say “I’ve had enough, I’m leaving”.    I had to make myself “wronged and wounded”.     My Empowered Self just lost a wrestling match with my inner baboon.

Week Three also marked the arrival of Fear.

Thus, on Monday morning, I began to panic about future employment and financial matters.   I scurried to my computer and applied for over 7 jobs – in a hour.    The good news is that I could clearly see that Fear was driving my bus.  Without assigning judgement to Fear, I simply reminded myself  of this:

In the algorithm of life, the ONLY antidote for Fear….is Faith.

Faith requires ACTION.    One can not simply sit in a temple and pray.   One must generate  Activity in the direction of one’s dreams.    Yes, it may well be  Fear that has me sitting down each morning, sending off resumes and networking….but it is Faith that tells me I will surely end up, exactly where I am supposed to be.

My job is to simply sit down and fire off as many arrows as I can – straight into the universe.    In my most faithful moments, I am certain that one of those arrows will stick and the result….will be spectacular.

Along the way, it seems I will be receiving truths about myself,  some incorporate easily – others will take some digesting.   I now know, unequivocally, that during times of increased stress  -my home is my haven.   I know that I can trust myself to “take good care” – even if it is not graceful, or poised, or eloquent.   Painfully and Truthfully, I  now know that I plop myself squarely into the Victim seat, when I need to take action based on spiritual wisdom.    This is a bitter pill for a strong, independent woman to swallow.
Swallow it, I will. and I will use that information to nourish and inspire myself to move onward and forward.    Mistakes will be made,  and there are times when I’ll be the biggest Buffoon at the Banquet…However, it will never be a mistake – sitting at that Banquet, feasting on my future, digesting my Life…every blessed morsel of it.

Namaste