“To be fully alive, fully awake, and fully human… One must continually be thrown out of the nest” -Pema Chodron
2014,
I’m getting ready to say goodbye to you. I’ve been thinking for a few days about what to say, how to say it.
My first thoughts are that you were so damned difficult. You broke my heart, messed up my mojo, and turned my life upside down.
Second thought: YOU….did none of that.
It was me that did it to myself. On my own accord, I left my job of 14 years. I left my safe, familiar, secure, and predictable life as a nurse in the Emergency Department in a Level 1 Trauma Center.
I loved working in Emergency Medicine with all my heart. I love being the calm in the storm. I loved being steady in chaos. I loved helping humans in crises. I loved the variety. I loved the challenge. I loved the teamwork, I loved the camaraderie. I had found my niche, and my personal ‘style’. My intuitive knowing was strong. I was a fierce patient advocate with a strong voice. In many ways, I felt I was an expert in my field.
I had seen burn out happen to many of my peers throughout my years. Confidently, I had always sworn that I would leave “immediately” when it began to happen to me. Ah, it was so, so easy to sit on one side of the fence and prophesize.
The beginning of The End for me began the night I was at work and one of my friends-who-are-family, presented to ‘my’ trauma room with aortic dissection.. He was gone when he arrived. I’ve witnessed this hundreds of times in my career…it’s different when you love the patient and that individual is an integral part of your day to day life. My worlds collided that night; the implications of that loss carry-on into today.
Stress evolved into Compromise creating Resentment which morphed into Ego and birthed Antagonism. A lot of abstract words that describe my descent precisely.
All of it turned me into somebody that I totally did not love or respect. Imagine thinking, feeling, believing in oneself, and one day, realizing a big chunk of what you thought about yourself…wasn’t true?
It took me a couple of years to even recognize that I was officially in the Burn Out Corral. Two years. In that time, my confusion, my distress and my struggle was inherently spewed onto my colleagues. I’d like to think ‘not continuously’…but I think it’s safest to assume it so.
2014, you taught me Humility.
I was hurt and deeply surprised at those that, turned out, really didn’t like me very much. I love them, they didn’t love me.
Most of those individuals, were victims of the whirling dervish that was my descent into burn out. My confusion and pain had spewed onto them. I have had the pleasure of being associated with brilliance throughout my life and these folks weren’t gonna keep their hand on a burning arrow. No Way. That is precisely what I had become and I must be fully accountable. I love many people that do not reciprocate that Love. Hate is a very heavy weight, I pray their hearts can soften as Hate has a subtle way of eating an individual alive
2014, you brought me Courage.
It took me a few months to fully realize that I had actually left the ER. This was followed by a few more months of a deep, deep, loss of identity. Ladies and Gentlemen, may I introduce: My Ego
Yes, I loved being a Savior. There it is. My Ego Loves Being A Savior. I loved introducing myself as “An Emergency Room Nurse”, and just letting that hang in the air…Boom. That made me Important, it garnered me Affection, Friendship, Camaraderie and Love. Writing these words nauseates me.
2014, you taught me a little more about Love.
You revealed to me the people who truly DO care about me – those that would love me if I worked at McDonald’s. I continue to be humbled by their ever lasting, non-judgmental Love. When I focus on my blessings, these individuals are at the top, the middle and the end of my list. They are those that I think of daily with deep gratitude for having the fortitude and courage to accept me as less than perfect. Further, you’ve brought to me new, fresh faces full of Love – I can see them clearly.
2014, you taught me Compassion for myself.
This has been the hardest and I will need more help with this in years to come. However, I fully realize that if I can not be compassionate with my Self first and foremost…..any “compassion” I hand out to others…..is really just that Savior Ego Candy Crap that’s designed to make you love me…..Crack. Emotional Crack. I want to ditch that schtick….so, Self Compassion it is. Warning: It’s a really tough trick to master…but, I’m catching glimpses of it.
2014, you gave me Yoga, Spirit and Meditation.
2014, you have been filled with personal suffering.
There has been a great and soulful Destruction There is a subsequent tender and loving Reconstruction. Yes, there has been deep Loss with a subtle, but profound Gain.
2014,
With all my heart and soul,
I Thank you.
joanneorrdotme 